Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Randomize
