I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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