hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
