when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Even my vagina gasped.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
