you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
