i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
