Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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