I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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