you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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