your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
