we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
