Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
