She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
