I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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