Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
