There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
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