The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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