bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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