I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
