i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
