i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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