I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
There's a naked man in my car right now.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
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