the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
My dick has a subreddit
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Randomize
