How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
