I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
