Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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