I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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