yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
