the day after is always just damage control
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
