I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
