I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
