My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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