between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
