Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Randomize
