You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
They have beer where we have blood.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
