you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Pants are for mortals
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
