two words: eviction party
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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