Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
