Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
