I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
