I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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