He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
He told me they were just razor bumps!
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
