i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
