So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
