im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
