I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
