Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
