"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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