she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
