No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
